missing you

I want to do geocaches with you

And to get cranky when I’m hungry and you do the OH CRAP look

And find something for me to eat really fast

And I want to give you the wrong address so we can get lost together

Because although your truck is horribly uncomfortable I love driving around with you

And I want to be in control of your remote because it makes me feel really powerful

And when you are sleeping I want to be sneaky and warm up my nose by tucking it under you

Until I can’t breathe.

I want to be with you. Without this distance.

truth

I have always been insecure about my body.

But you hating my body

has made me hate it too.

Since you dont read this

I miss you pretty much constantly.. but I know you don’t miss me at all, because you are so busy with work and stressed out and have too much going on to even think about me. and it shows in your actions and it hurts so much, but I would never tell you that because I am understandable. And when I try to tell you how I feel you get mad.

So I keep it in. and cry more than you would like to know. but its sort of like you don’t care.

And  it hurts so bad. but I love you so much. So I just deal with it and continue to be understanding. And not ask for much, or anything.  Because when you do care and when you do have time you are so perfect.

But then you do things, well actually it’s the fact that you don’t do things. Its important for you to have pictures up from when you went hunting, but you don’t even tell anyone in your family the color of my hair.

Its that you are too busy to make reservations for new years so I pretend like its okay and say we can just go to your favorite restaurant.  Because being in your city wasn’t enough, you also had to have that.

And its that you can run to the store to get wine on the way home from work, but you don’t think to pick up flowers. Because I risked a lot to be with you for five weeks,  but you had too much on your mind and didn’t think to do that.

It’s that I love you. and want to be loved in return.

Compass

You are my compass.

Now, before you role your eyes let me explain.

I have been through a lot, I have experienced a lot.

I grew up way too fast, with no direction.

And when you found me, I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what the next step should be. I had no support and no one telling me I needed to figure things out.

And that’s what you did.

You pointed me north.

You didn’t tell me which way south was, or force me to move towards it. That was all on me, but you shined the light on me and let me know I could move forward.

And to this day, when I don’t know what to do, when I am stuck not knowing where to go next, when I am stressed out, and crying, and upset.

Whatever it is I am feeling, you point me north.

No matter how busy you are, how stressed out you are or how much you have going on;

I know you will always find time to point me north.

You are my compass.

intend

I love you. 

The good and the bad

and all of the in between. bits.

And, I think 

You should accept that I intend to stick around. 

phantom

There is a phantom cuddle. Do you get this too? I am sleeping and I swear I can feel your arm around me, and me cuddling into you. and you breathing on my face, and as much as I hate that I would always wake up and see how peaceful you are. and I like to think part of that is having me in your arms. And I still feel that at night but instead of opening my eyes and looking at you, I open my eyes and see nothing.

I am alone.

and its hard, and I just miss you so damn much. Because although things are difficult, they are better in your arms. 

P.S  Do you recognize this photo? This is the first bed we cuddled in.

(yes. I took a picture)

My love,

Hi, its me. I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. I know I am very vocal about the bad things in our relationship, but I want you to know how amazing I think you are.  you are my best friend, and I could not imagine myself with anyone else. you make me happier than I have ever been and I love you very much. I know you are busy and don’t always have the time that I deserve/need, but that is okay.  Because you are worth it, and one day you will have a wee more free time (just not any time soon). I love you. and I know we aren’t perfect, but that just makes it so we have to work a little for our relationship. and nothing worth having is easy.

I love you.

Your Love,

Jess